Strained Relations

Strained Relations: Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens

Archive for the ‘Father’s Day’ Category

Another Father’s Day

Posted by Marcia on June 19, 2011

I posted last year about Father’s Day, wrote about missing my own dad, missing my child, and admiring my husband as a step-dad.

There is a pre-Father’s Day interview on Yahoo News with the president. If the video is still up, it’s worthwhile viewing. http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_theticket/20110617/ts_yblog_theticket/obama-says-no-more-children-for-first-family-doesnt-miss-his-father

He said that “fatherhood is ‘a combination of complete and total affection and devotion to that child, but also structure and limits and understanding that your child isn’t your friend, at least when they’re young.’ And he expressed the importance of teaching children values. Obama added that his own mother was a great parent.”

His parents divorced before he was three years old, saying, “You know, I can’t say I miss my father, because I just didn’t know him,” Obama said. “And so, I don’t have enough of an emotional bond there to miss him. I profoundly miss my grandfather. You know, I profoundly miss my mom. And my grandmother.”

There is pain and loss when relationships are severed. Sometimes the person is missed, and sometimes it’s the idea of that person that is missed, maybe an idealization of what that relationship could have been.

If you’re struggling with a difficult relationship, are you sad because of what you miss about that person or the idea of what hoped for, or maybe both? Separating out those feelings can help you cope with loss or separation and can guide you into reconciling with that person if possible or finding peace with your feelings.

How are you feeling about your family today?

Posted in changing parent behavior, cope at the holidays, estranged, estranged from dad, estranged from father, estranged from parents, family difficulties, Father's Day, feelings about Father's Day, forgiveness, help at the holidays, holiday season sadness, listen to family problems, missing our son, Parents and teens, repaired relationship, sadness at the holidays, Troubled teens | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

How do you feel about Father’s Day?

Posted by Marcia on June 20, 2010

This blog is devoted to people who are struggling with their children’s behavior, but today I’d like to open the discussion to additional situations.

My dad died when I was almost 13, and Father’s Day since that time has been…odd. When my son was young, this day became something to celebrate again. His dad and I separated when J. was small, and again it was odd for a few years. I married Bill and then J. had Father’s Day with his dad and then with Bill. There seemed to be a lot to celebrate, but it lasted only a few years.

In his teen years, J. was more sullen than most, difficult at best, unpredictable: would we see the charming and funny son or the one with the quick temper?

J. has not lived with us for 3 years, and the last year he was at home was very rough. We don’t speak, although I hope he’ll be ready to have some kind of a relationship soon.

I’d love to celebrate the efforts my husband made in being a step-dad. It’s probably one of the more difficult and thankless family roles you can be in, and he did try to be a good father-figure. At a certain point, I think he felt it was wasted energy, but he still tried. Being the step-parent means you have rules in your head but sometimes the kid/kids don’t think you have the right to enforce the rules. You’re not the “real” dad.

I know what a “real” dad is as far as biology is concerned, but being a real father is more than biology. It’s caring about that child, loving the child no matter the circumstances, guiding the child and knowing that the child may fall and you’ll have to determine if you help that child get up or watch the child help himself/herself. That’s what parents do.
Some dads have to give their kids “tough love” and watch them fail, take drugs, go to jail, be estranged, and hope for better days.

Today I honor all of the real dads out there.

Here are some questions for you, and I hope you write some responses. What’s your best memory of your dad? What did he teach you? If you’re in a difficult situation, how do you cope?

Posted in adopted kids, changing parent's behavior, compliment your child, confidence, defiant adopted kids, enabler, enabling, entitled, estranged, family difficulties, Father's Day, feelings about Father's Day, missing our son, out of control teens, Parents and teens, rewarding good behavior, self esteem, step-parent, Troubled teens, worried parents | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

 
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