Strained Relations

Strained Relations: Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens

Archive for the ‘entitled’ Category

Guest Blogger: Fern Weis’s Top 5 Parenting Tips

Posted by Marcia on March 24, 2011

Our guest blogger today is Fern Weis, and she provides tips and some insight into her own family. She is a certified coach, middle school teacher, wife, and parent of two wonderful young adults. She specializes in supporting and educating parents of teens and young adults through individual and group coaching, as well as educational workshops. Fern continues to volunteer as a facilitator of family weekends at Hyde School. She is committed to strengthening American families, one family at a time. Learn more about her work at www.familymatterscoach.com. You can also contact her at fgweis@gmail.com. And now…here’s Fern.

In a recent blog post, Marcia Stein posed some serious questions about the downward spiral of Charlie Sheen. She also asked readers to share their own experiences. I am pleased to be able to share part of my life with you and what I learned along the way.

In our family, it was our son spiraling into a pit as a teen (and taking us down there with him). What was so painful was that somewhere in this out-of-control teen was a kind and loving person who didn’t know how to come back to us. When he was having a good day, we would hope against hope that this was a sign he was turning around. We were not facing reality. When we could no longer deny it, and accepted what was happening and that we had no control, we pulled him out of high school. First step, a one-month wilderness program to separate him from his community and from us. Second step, two years at an amazing boarding school called Hyde School, a program of family-based character development.

The deciding factor in choosing Hyde was the intensive parent program. While we considered ourselves good people, and understood that he made dangerous choices, we knew that we needed to change, too. We couldn’t ask the school to ‘fix’ him, and then have him come home to the same parents. We had to do things differently, see ourselves differently.

I learned that I taught my children so much about how to see themselves and life, not only by my words, but by my actions, reactions and responses to people and events in my life. It’s frightening how much our children learn from us that we are not aware of.

I learned that you cannot stand by. It hurts to take difficult steps, but it hurts more to watch your child self-destruct. Change is hard, but not changing takes you in the opposite direction of where you want to go. So…

1) Do the hard thing. Don’t worry about your ‘relationship’ with your child. He has lots of friends, but only one set of parents to teach him how to get through life. Children need us to set limits. They don’t have the self-control to do it for themselves. If you don’t do it, who will? Whether it’s saying ‘no’, or having a serious intervention, do it!

2) Understand that parenting is more about YOU than your children. Step up! You know all those qualities you want to see in your children? You want them to be truthful, persistent, courageous, compassionate, generous, thoughtful, curious and optimistic. Make sure you are the best role model you can be (for your own benefit, as well as theirs). Have you given up on a dream? Have you ever been less than honest? Do you tell them to be more assertive, and then avoid saying what you need to say to others? Do you expect more from them than you do from yourself?

As they get older, you have decreasing control over the choices your children make, the actions they take. They are counting on you (even though they will deny it) to show them how it’s done, and to be their guide.

3) Ask others for their insights about you (this includes your kids). I can sense some of you mentally walking away from this one. But we are often the last ones to see our own inconsistencies. It’s the inconsistencies that prevent us from moving from struggle to confidence. The mixed messages make parenting, decision-making and personal growth more difficult.

Ask the people who love you most (spouse/partner, kids, trusted friends and family) for their input. You don’t want them to sugarcoat it, and you don’t want them to be cruel, either. You are looking for helpful feedback so you can be a great example for your children and enjoy life more.

3) Listen, listen, listen! Your kids want to be heard. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with them or not. Listen and become the trusted adult they turn to when there’s something really important to talk about. This is not the time for judgment, criticism, or fixing it for them. After they have vented is the time to help them with coping and problem-solving strategies.

4) Be a teacher, guide and mentor… but don’t be ‘the fixer’. Too many young people are not prepared to launch themselves into independence. When we give them the answers and solve problems for them, they are not learning the skills.

Step back. Guide and teach without doing it for them. And if you are not always the right person to teach the skill or lesson, you have options. Ask for help in being a better teacher. Consider who might be more effective in helping your child work through challenges. There is no shame. It really does take a community to raise children.

5) Share your struggles with your children. What was challenging for you growing up? What did you fail at? How did you deal with it? Our kids see us as adults who mostly seem to be in control and know what we’re doing. As confused, hormone-ridden teens, they can’t imagine being competent and self-assured. They need to know that it does get better, that we were once like them and we, mostly, successfully muddled our way through, too.

You already know how important this job is. And while you weren’t given a user manual for your children, it doesn’t always have to be difficult. Learn when to step in and when to step aside. Listen as least as much as you speak, if not more. Ask for help when you need it. Inspire your children by sharing your own difficult experiences. Your children need this from you, now.

P.S. My son graduated high school and college, and is employed in his chosen profession. The child we thought we had lost is a motivated and generous young man who gives me bear hugs, tells me about his work day, and dances me around the kitchen. His sister, who prefers not to be highlighted in my writing, is an amazing young woman and daughter, and friend to all who know her. Life is good.

Posted in changing parent behavior, changing parent's behavior, chart progress, confidence, enabler, entitled, family difficulties, Fern Weis, forgiveness, listen to family problems, missing our son, out of control teens, Parents and teens, repaired relationship, teen intervention, teens and consequences, Troubled teens, wilderness program, worried parents | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Dore Frances’ Radio Show 8/30/10

Posted by Marcia on August 26, 2010

I’ll be on Dore Frances’ “Family Solutions Today” live radio show on Monday. You can listen live (call-in to talk) or download from iTunes later.

Details and a link are on her press release. http://tinyurl.com/29v3qxv

Posted in adopted kids, alcoholic father, author, book talk, changing parent's behavior, chart progress, compliment your child, defiant adopted kids, enabler, enabling, entitled, estranged, estranged from parents, family difficulties, juvenile hall, kid on meth, meth addict, missing our son, nagging the kids, out of control teens, Parents and teens, return adopted child, rewarding good behavior, self esteem, step-parent, Troubled teens, truancy, worried parents | Leave a Comment »

How do you feel about Father’s Day?

Posted by Marcia on June 20, 2010

This blog is devoted to people who are struggling with their children’s behavior, but today I’d like to open the discussion to additional situations.

My dad died when I was almost 13, and Father’s Day since that time has been…odd. When my son was young, this day became something to celebrate again. His dad and I separated when J. was small, and again it was odd for a few years. I married Bill and then J. had Father’s Day with his dad and then with Bill. There seemed to be a lot to celebrate, but it lasted only a few years.

In his teen years, J. was more sullen than most, difficult at best, unpredictable: would we see the charming and funny son or the one with the quick temper?

J. has not lived with us for 3 years, and the last year he was at home was very rough. We don’t speak, although I hope he’ll be ready to have some kind of a relationship soon.

I’d love to celebrate the efforts my husband made in being a step-dad. It’s probably one of the more difficult and thankless family roles you can be in, and he did try to be a good father-figure. At a certain point, I think he felt it was wasted energy, but he still tried. Being the step-parent means you have rules in your head but sometimes the kid/kids don’t think you have the right to enforce the rules. You’re not the “real” dad.

I know what a “real” dad is as far as biology is concerned, but being a real father is more than biology. It’s caring about that child, loving the child no matter the circumstances, guiding the child and knowing that the child may fall and you’ll have to determine if you help that child get up or watch the child help himself/herself. That’s what parents do.
Some dads have to give their kids “tough love” and watch them fail, take drugs, go to jail, be estranged, and hope for better days.

Today I honor all of the real dads out there.

Here are some questions for you, and I hope you write some responses. What’s your best memory of your dad? What did he teach you? If you’re in a difficult situation, how do you cope?

Posted in adopted kids, changing parent's behavior, compliment your child, confidence, defiant adopted kids, enabler, enabling, entitled, estranged, family difficulties, Father's Day, feelings about Father's Day, missing our son, out of control teens, Parents and teens, rewarding good behavior, self esteem, step-parent, Troubled teens, worried parents | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Barry Bonds’ son: what would you do?

Posted by Marcia on June 18, 2010

I previously wrote about Barry Bonds’ son, Nikolai. Today’s news reports noted that this 20-year-old pleaded no contest to misdemeanor charges of vandalism and battery stemming from an altercation with his mother.

December 5, his mother, Sun Bonds, asked him about jewelry that was missing from their home. Nikolai then followed her into a bedroom, threw furniture around, allegedly threw a doorknob at her, and prevented her from leaving the house. He also spit in her face, and this is battery.

Sun Bonds refused to cooperate in the case against her son, and this contributed to the decision to reach a plea deal.

Nikolai Bonds will get credit for several days spent in county jail and will serve no additional time, and he must pay a $2,130 fine and undergo 32 hours of anger management training.

In exchange for Bonds’ plea deal, prosecutors dismissed misdemeanor charges of false imprisonment, threatening a police officer and obstructing a police officer.

It’s one of many different incidents in the lives of these family members. If you were in Sun Bonds’ position, would you have filed charges or would you have refused to cooperate as she did? Why?

Posted in enabler, enabling, entitled, estranged, family difficulties, out of control teens, Parents and teens, Troubled teens, worried parents | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

What’s “enabling” and why is it harmful?

Posted by Marcia on May 22, 2010

I don’t follow a lot of celebrity gossip but sometimes hear about something that strikes me, especially when it pertains to my interest in dealing with difficult offspring.

This week I was channel surfing and landed on a Larry King show about Lindsay Lohan. I’ve seen her in a couple of movies and this is a talented young woman. She could have a long future in the entertainment business if she survives this stage of her life. She’s apparently had a lot of different problems, and because she is famous, it unfortunately plays out in a very public way. I suspect that compounds the access to trouble and it’s immediately noted whenever anything questionable arises.

The guests on Larry King said she is estranged from her father but close to her mother. Apparently, her father had his share of problems and is now clean and sober. He has been asking for help, asking his daughter and the courts to send her to a treatment facility, asking that the family go to therapy together. The guests indicated that the mother is not on the same page.

I’m sure someone out there follows celebrity gossip and knows more, but only the individuals involved know the whole story.

The details of this case are less important to me than the fact that this is a family that needs help.

It struck me when two of the guests said that when the parent who is close with the child is an enabler, it’s hard to change the pattern.

So what’s an “enabler”? This is a person in the troubled person’s life who contributes to that person’s bad behavior, alcoholism or drug addiction. It could be a family member or close friend who means well but winds up causing more problems by rescuing, lying for, making excuses for the troubled person. These people mean well, they want to help but wind up causing additional problems.

There are two interesting websites about this topic:
http://mental-health.families.com/blog/are-you-an-enabler
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/counselingarchive-enabler-and-codependency.asp

I don’t know the Lohan family but I’ve heard similar stories from people who’ve talked with me about their kids and the family dynamics.

Do you/did you have enabling or codependent behavior in your family and what will you/did you do about it?

Posted in changing parent's behavior, confidence, defiant adopted kids, enabler, enabling, entitled, Parents and teens, Troubled teens, worried parents | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Speaking at Campbell Library 5/13, 7 pm

Posted by Marcia on May 12, 2010

I’ll be speaking at the library Thursday night and I’ve really been looking forward to this opportunity. A PDF flier about the event can be viewed here.

The last time I spoke, we had around 20 people in the room. Most of the people had a son or daughter who going through a terrible time, and the adults were worried about how to handle the situation.

I can’t provide the answers, just some experiences from my life and the interviews from my book. I also mention some of the calls and emails I’ve received. There’s some comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this situation, and it’s helpful to know many kids grow out of that terrible stage and that there is help.

If you’re in the Silicon Valley, I hope you can come to this event. If you know of another venue interested in this topic, please contact me.

Posted in adopted kids, author, changing parent's behavior, chart progress, compliment your child, confidence, defiant adopted kids, entitled, estranged, family difficulties, meth addict, missing our son, nagging the kids, out of control teens, Parents and teens, return adopted child, rewarding good behavior, Troubled teens, worried parents | Leave a Comment »

An Encouraging Story: Turning a Teen’s Life Around

Posted by Marcia on January 24, 2010

I met a man at a professional meeting: let’s call him “Jeff”. When I talked with him about my book, he said he could have used it a few years ago. He and his wife would have liked the reassurance of knowing things would work out.

Jeff’s daughter “Beth” was a wild teen: drinking, smoking cigarettes and pot, hanging out with much older boys although she was repeatedly told she wasn’t allowed to see them. She’d react with anger, screaming and yelling, cursing her parents and bullying them.

By the time she was 15, Jeff and his wife had endured enough. They were terrified for her, afraid of her, and had finally reached a decision. They needed help and relief and had to do something. They found an educational consultant who tested Beth and had many forms for the parents and teachers to complete. She was bright but angry with no respect for her parents. The consultant recommended three different boarding schools and helped Jeff and his wife through the process of selecting a school and sending their child away.

They sent her to a boarding school for troubled teens in another state, not providing a real explanation to family and friends other than to say she wanted to go to a boarding school. They didn’t tell the truth: it would have been humiliating to share how horrible it had been in their home.

Once Beth had received a lot of therapy and started to mature, they started to repair their relationship. While she was away, the parents went in for counseling each day to cope with their situation, not blame each other, and learn how to be parents.

Beth was away until she turned 18. Having earned her high school degree she was ready for college. Jeff and his wife had used her college savings to pay for boarding school, so she went to community college while working full-time, earning her associates degree last year. She’s off at college now and on-track in her family relationships.

Jeff said just a few years ago they didn’t know if she’d make it to age 18 but now her future is bright.

It’s an encouraging story, isn’t it?

Posted in entitled, estranged, family difficulties, out of control teens, Parents and teens, Troubled teens, worried parents | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Was on Dr. Joel Wade’s Radio Show, KSCO AM 1080

Posted by Marcia on December 17, 2009

Last night I was a guest on Dr. Joel Wade’s radio show. He has experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Los Gatos and uses those skills as a Life Coach and author.

I called in early to be sure my sound was okay, and I had a chance to talk with Joel about his work and his radio show. He was very nice and it was easy to see how well he listened and how carefully he chose his questions. He had already read most of the book, so his questions during the show were completely on target and he cited specific examples from the book. We had a general discussion about parenting skills and teens, and it was interesting to learn from his style of interviewing. It was a pleasure speaking with him.

Joel’s website is www.drjoelwade.com, and at some time in the future, he hopes to have downloads of his shows. I hope he gets that running soon! Meanwhile, check out his book, etraining, ezine and other products on his website.

After the show, I wrote and thanked Joel for being such a gracious host. He wrote, “It was a lot of fun, and a very interesting conversation. You were a fantastic guest, and I think people listening got a lot out of what you had to say. I hope that a lot of listeners visit your site and read your book – it really is an excellent book, and a great resource for parents dealing with tough kids.”

This was a wonderful experience, and if you know of someplace I can speak in person, over the radio or on TV, please contact me.

Posted in changing parent's behavior, compliment your child, confidence, entitled, estranged, family difficulties, nagging the kids, out of control teens, Parents and teens, rewarding good behavior, self esteem, Troubled teens, worried parents | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Did the Self Esteem Movement Create an Entitled Generation?

Posted by Marcia on November 7, 2009

I’ve mulled over a lot of things I’ve experienced as a parent and a lot of things I’ve read, and would honestly say that I did do some things well and there are some things that I would absolutely change.

I have some serious concerns about the self-esteem movement and what the effects are on our kids.

Self-esteem is the way you think about yourself and this impacts the way you feel.  If you think you’re a good painter, you feel good about that skill and your confidence.  If you have a poor image of yourself and your abilities, it manifests in low self confidence and underachievement.

The self-esteem movement was a good idea run amok.  The idea of encouraging children to think well of themselves sounds like a good idea, but, like many things in life, it has to be earned to be appreciated.

Our son “J” was born in 1988, and I took him to Mommy and Me and toddler classes. I guess others were reading books I hadn’t read, but I remember the teacher and other moms saying “good job” whenever a child did anything. It didn’t matter what the child did, but the rewarding phrase was said. Kid finishes a project, eats his food, plays a game: “Good job.”

At home, if J picked up his toys, I said “thank you” or “that looks nice”. I felt that if I said “good job” to everything, then when he’d really do a good job of something, then what would I say and how would I make that meaningful?

We noticed that when he participated in team sports, even if their team lost, everyone got ribbons and sometimes trophies.  I guess the theory was that they wanted all the kids to feel like winners and therefore, it’d magically give them self-esteem and confidence, but I think that backfired.

If the ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a child who can operate in this world, overpraising for simply existing isn’t going to help. After all, how many managers stand around waiting to tell people they did a good job?  I can tell you from an HR perspective that some do but most expect you to do a good job, and if you do an extraordinary job, then maybe you’ll be noticed.  There are expectations that you’ll perform as you should, that poor work will be adversely noted and good work will be rewarded.

Young people steeped in the self-esteem movement resent not being continually verbally rewarded and when they simply complete a project.

I believe that good self-esteem and confidence result from completing projects, overcoming obstacles, leaping over barriers to success.  It can’t come as a result of continuous praise from others: you have to know it, to feel that accomplishment.

What are your thoughts?

Posted in changing parent's behavior, chart progress, compliment your child, entitled, nagging the kids, Parents and teens, rewarding good behavior, self esteem, Troubled teens | Tagged: , , | 13 Comments »

 
%d bloggers like this: