Save Jack From Leukemia: 23 Year Old Needs Blood Marrow Donor

Dear Readers,

I spend a lot of time thinking about the topic of dysfunctional families and the pain those families experience. Today I want to focus on another topic, a 23 year old with leukemia who will die without a bone marrow transplant.

The story caught my breath as Jack Chin was in my son’s high school. He was a UCLA student and was studying Economics and Accounting.

TO READ THE REST OF THE POST, PLEASE GO TO MY NEW WEBSITE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!

Marcia

Guest Blogger Scott Morgan: Five Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

Today’s guest author is Scott Morgan, a a board certified Austin divorce attorney who regularly blogs on the subject of divorce and family law. You can read his blog at AustinDivorceSpecialist.com.

Divorce is an emotional roller coaster for most couples, but the ride usually ends when a judge grants the divorce and the couple go their separate ways. However, for the divorcing couple with minor children, the ride continues well beyond the judge?s termination of the marriage. They may no longer be married, but they are still to mom and dad, so the parting has to wait until the children are grown.

Co-parenting with an ex-spouse can be difficult, but there are a few simple rules and techniques to help make it easier for you, and, more importantly, less stressful for your children.

To read the remaining post, please go to my other blog. I’m gradually migrating to Strained Relations: Parenting Troubled Teens and hope you sign up for the RSS feed to follow me there.

Addiction and Prescription Medicine

If you go to the Centers for Disease Control website, you can find reports about the increasing numbers of people addicted to and overdosing from prescription medicine. Here’s a paragraph from an article on their site:

“In 2007, approximately 27,000 unintentional drug overdose deaths occurred in the United States, one death every 19 minutes. Prescription drug abuse is the fastest growing drug problem in the United States. The increase in unintentional drug overdose death rates in recent years (Figure 1) has been driven by increased use of a class of prescription drugs called opioid analgesics (1). Since 2003, more overdose deaths have involved opioid analgesics than heroin and cocaine combined (Figure 2) (1). In addition, for every unintentional overdose death related to an opioid analgesic, nine persons are admitted for substance abuse treatment (2), 35 visit emergency departments (3), 161 report drug abuse or dependence, and 461 report nonmedical uses of opioid analgesics (4). Implementing strategies that target those persons at greatest risk will require strong coordination and collaboration at the federal, state, local, and tribal levels, as well as engagement of parents, youth influencers, health-care professionals, and policy-makers.”

To read the remaining post, please go to my other blog. I’m gradually migrating to Strained Relations: Parenting Troubled Teens and hope you sign up for the RSS feed to follow me there.

Guest Blogger Faith Blitman: Bullying Behavior

Faith Blitman, M.A. is a Psychotherapist and Certified Drug and Alcohol Assessor in Philadelphia, PA. She provides individual, group and family counseling as well as drug and alcohol assessment and counseling. Faith Blitman, M.A. and Brian Loughlin, M. Ed. work in LINKS, a family reunification program within the Family Service Association in Bucks County, PA. For questions or additional information, please feel free to e-mail either fblitman@fsabc.org or bloughlin@fsabc.org.

According to Stan Davis, a school counselor and bully prevention expert in Maine, a bullying incident occurs every seven minutes. He further speculates that adults intervene in only 4% of school incidents and peers intervene in 11% of these incidents. Bullying is pandemic and can take many forms: (1) Physical – hitting, kicking, punching and shoving; (2) Verbal – insults, name-calling, threatening, disparaging a person’s race, sexual preference, religion, etc., (3) Indirect – spreading gossip/rumors, attempting to turn one’s peer group against them, shooting hateful looks, telling malicious lies; and finally, the deliberate omission of a person from their peer group with the intent of engendering feelings of rejection; (4) Cyber-bullying – sending hurtful text messages, e-mails and instant messages as well as posting injurious information on web pages and sites; (5) Reactive bullying takes place when an individual impulsively acts out of frustration, typically in response to an episode of stress. This particular type of bullying may be the most difficult with which to deal since the person behaves in the dual role of bully and victim.

The causes of bullying behavior vary from individual to individual. Sometimes bullying is learned at home and can result from a lack of supervision, warmth or attention, by reinforcing inconsistent boundaries and rules, as well as by observing parents and older siblings using bullying techniques as a means of managing conflict. Moreover, such parents tend to also incorporate emotional outbursts and physical discipline as corrective measures for their children’s behaviors. Sometimes people require learning new parenting skills since the only tools in their armory are the ones they have learned from their own parents. Hence, the cycle of bullying may be inadvertently passed from generation to generation without benefit of additional intervention and learning. Bullying behavior can also be generated when a person has been bullied by classmates and learns how to express aggression in this manner. Finally, some individuals seem to have a genetic predisposition towards bullying behaviors. Nonetheless, regardless of the cause(s), counseling can help.

The effects of bullying can be profound: damaged self-esteem, anxiety, depression, toxic shame, absenteeism from school, and rage along with a strong tendency to want to exact revenge on perpetrators. Some victims feel so beaten down from this abuse that they simply withdraw from life, relying upon alcohol and drugs to medicate their intense pain or engaging in other addictive/compulsive behaviors. Some who are feeling discarded and uncared for may become pregnant as a desperate means of securing love into their lives. Most significantly, there has been no shortage of reports in the news recently of pre-teens and teens who have been so distraught by bullying, that they saw no escape from their agony but to end their own lives.

There is yet another subset of children who have been bullied who tend to identify with their aggressors, and in contrast to the aforementioned victims, act-out their rage by joining gangs, engaging in criminal acts and frequently perpetuate the bullying cycle by later abusing their own spouses and children. Some of these individuals have been responsible for mass causality school shootings. Since the bully has markedly more power than the victim, the longer bullying ensues, the greater grows the imbalance of power.

Regardless of how any act of abuse presents itself, children need to be well-educated regarding what constitutes bullying, how they should conduct themselves if they or a friend are being victimized by a bully, and to whom they should report these abusive acts. Most researchers quickly point out that bullying behaviors remain consistent if there is no intervention. Nonetheless, when an appropriate and consistent intervention is applied, negative behaviors have been reversible. In addition, it is critical that parents, teachers, and other stewards offer validation and attempt to build as trusting and caring a relationship as possible, so children feel comfortable sharing their concerns. After all, it is every child’s right to feel safe and valued in the world, and it is up to adults to help make that happen.

What can a concerned parent do?

• Be supportive, encourage openness when speaking with your child.
• Express your concerns with your child’s teacher, guidance counselor or principal (making certain to talk this over with your child before taking action).
• Encourage your child to talk to you and other adults at school.
• Ask your child’s school to educate students about bullying.
• If the bullying/victimization behaviors continue, don’t hesitate to seek professional counseling.

Loss, Regrets and Living an Honest Life

This has been a year of loss for me including several friends and now family members. Sometimes, just when you need something to remind you of important lessons, a friend sends you an article. I was sent “Top Five Regrets of The Dying” and recommend this page.

For those of us coping with difficult family relationships and troubled people, it’s easy to focus on the pain and not view the other wonderful parts of our lives and the positive things we can do.

Are you honest about your hopes and dreams and who you really are? Do you express your feelings? Have you established and kept friends, and are you honest with those friends?

Once I was honest with others about my relationship with my son, I found support, understanding, and a whole lot of other people with their own family pain. It was so reassuring to know I was not alone, and it gave me additional courage to write the book, this blog, and reach out to others.

I know that what I read in that article was very true, and I hope it helps you or gives you something to think about.

It’s Amazon Ad Day

Hi, Readers.

I am an Amazon Affiliate and have a post with links to Amazon on one of my other sites. Because I cannot upload Amazon sale images here, if you’re interested, please visit my other site, http://ourhrsite.blogspot.com/, and click on the blog link.

Thank you for your support.

Marcia

Forwarding: Casting for a New Series for a Major Cable Network

I received the following flier and promised to pass it forward.
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NOW CASTING A NEW SERIES FOR A MAJOR CABLE NETWORK

Do you suspect your teen is going down the wrong path and engaging in
life-threatening activities, i.e drinking, doing drugs or engaging in
promiscuous behavior?

Is your teen failing all of their classes and busy hanging out with the
wrong crowd?

Do you know if your teen is bullying or being extremely aggressive at
school?

If you are at a loss of what to do with your out-of-control teen and would
like to get some assistance, we can help.

A Major Cable Network is currently looking for families and their teens
(ages 13-19) for a groundbreaking new series. We will be providing you
with a team trained in helping your teen get back on the right track.
Please send us an email sharing your story.

Email us at familycasting@rrstaff.com

***BE SURE TO INCLUDE WHAT CITY AND STATE YOU ARE APPLYING FROM IN YOUR SUBJECT LINE***
Also, please attach a current family photo and include: Names, Ages, and
the best phone number to reach you. Thank you for your time.

Guest Blogger Faith Blitman: Help, My Child May Be Chemically Dependent: What Should I Do?

Faith Blitman, M.A. is a Psychotherapist and Certified Drug and Alcohol Assessor in Philadelphia, PA.  She provides individual, group and family counseling as well as drug and alcohol assessment and counseling.  You can reach her at faithblitman  at  aol  dot  com.

Despite warnings children may experiment with drugs for a multitude of reasons:  curiosity, peer pressure, to escape anxiety and depression or simply to feel good.  Some children who experiment with drugs ultimately become addicts, while others do not.   While genetics play a role in addiction, there is no fail-proof, early warning system to alert the child who is using, that due to his or her unique vulnerabilities or proclivities, addiction may be imminent.   The process of addiction is an insidious one – many who experiment do so to temporarily forget their problems but as the addiction gains momentum, it inevitably wreaks havoc on every facet of the user’s life.   It also tends to wreak as great or greater havoc on parents’ lives who helplessly and painfully witness the loss of their child to drugs and alcohol.  The bitter irony is that the addiction itself becomes far more deleterious and pervasive than the original problem which motivated the child to use drugs in the first place.

Drug addiction can be psychological, physical or both.   Many recreational drugs attach to the same receptors as brain chemicals and act as disinhibitory agents.   Normal behavioral control is undermined and suspended, accounting for many of your child’s mood and behavior changes.  Drugs often hijack the brain (most notably, the prefrontal cortex), typically resulting in a severely comprised ability to carry out important survival skills such as planning, exercising sound judgment and resisting temptation.

As a concerned parent, it is helpful to be aware of the signs and symptoms which are frequently associated with drug abuse . . .

Changes in Mood and Behavior including:  mood swings, e.g. depression, mania, anxiety, isolation, paranoia,  increased or inappropriate anger, relationship changes, increased secretiveness or lying,  changes in sleeping patterns (up all night or sleeping excessively), changing friends

Problems in School or Work i.e. increased absenteeism, problems getting along with others, drop in grades or productivity, loss of interest in (class) work or extracurricular activities

Problems in the Home or Community – be aware of dwindling or missing prescriptions,  alcohol, money, jewelry and other valuables,  the presence of rolling papers, pipes, bongs, or needles, pills, powders and other unknown substances, car accidents, fights, legal problems

Traumatic Events – for example, a loss of a significant person through death, divorce, etc. , a history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse, witnessing a horrific event such as a murder, domestic abuse, etc., military combat (PTSD) can lead to using

Changes in Personal Appearance including glassy eyes, unkempt appearance,
changes in grooming, significant loss or gain in weight

Assuming your child is exhibiting at least some of these indicators, what should you as a concerned parent do?

1)  Approach your child with a caring and calm attitude.  Your child’s life may well feel out of control to him or her so it is important for you to stay in control for the both of you.  Do not confront until you feel calm.  (Should you experience guilt, remind yourself it was your child’s decision to use, not yours.)

2)   Confront your child with whatever evidence or suspicions you may have.   Let him or her know that you are there to offer your love, support and help.   Avoid giving the third degree or lecturing; your role is to build a climate of safety and caring, thus assisting your child to admit and share concerns about drug use.

3)  Set firm and reasonable boundaries.  Clearly delineate which behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable and inform your child of the consequences (both positive and negative), of their behavior.  Consistency in following through provides clarity and stability for you and your child.

4)  Denial is a major component of addiction.  If you’ve confronted your child and he or she denies having a problem, a well-planned intervention which includes his or her friends, family and professionals may be advisable.

5)  Seek professional assistance.  Chemical dependency does not occur in a vacuum and affects the entire family.  A skillful therapist can objectively assess your situation to determine which type and level of treatment is best suited to the needs of your child (in addition to your child attending Narcotics Anonymous and/or Alcoholics Anonymous).  Moreover, a therapist can assist family members in establishing appropriate boundaries, by teaching effective coping skills and helping to identify and modify maladaptive patterns of thinking and behaving.

6)  Self-care is critical.  In addition to therapy, spending time with friends or developing a supportive network is essential to your well-being.  Many parents who have a chemically dependent child also reap tremendous benefits by participating in their own 12-step programs such as Nar-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drug addiction) ,  Al-Anon (for friends and family concerned about a loved one’s drinking), and CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous to help establish healthier relationships).   Pursue hobbies, exercise, take classes and live your life.  You will inevitably feel better and also be an even healthier role model for your child.  In life, we cannot control other people, but we do control who we are and who we are can flourish despite adversity.

Amy Winehouse Was Once a Little Girl

It’s well-documented and much too familiar. A creative, talented singer with drug and alcohol problems, in and out of rehab and then dead at 27. We all saw it coming but it’s still shocking.

She was once a little girl, wanted and loved and singing with her father at home. If you’re reading this blog, you likely know the experience of being with a child, holding him or her, reading and singing songs and playing together.

Even when you don’t know that that child will do in life, you want him or her to have a successful life, meaning being kind, happy and fulfilled, self-supporting and generous to others. You want that child to navigate safely through tempting and possibly dangerous situations.

In Amy’s case, according to Wikipedia, she was constantly singing and the teachers had a hard time keeping her quiet. When she was nine years old, her grandmother suggested she attend a theatre school. She was allegedly expelled at age 14 for “not applying herself” and getting her nose pierced.
I’m not sure when or why she started using and abusing drugs and alcohol, maybe in those early teen years, but it took over her life.

A couple of years ago, her father tried asking people not to go to her concerts, hoping that if the concerts were cancelled, she would hit bottom and go to rehab. It wasn’t in the interests of anyone else involved in her career (such as her record company, manager, agent and PR person) for her to miss concerts. They had a financial interest in her carrying on, even though it was clearly dangerous for her.

It was a desperate move from a distraught parent. It’s hard seeing someone you love go through personal difficulties of this magnitude.

Before I heard the news of her death, I had been listening to one of her songs and wondering what was happening to her. She was falling apart on her tours from all reports and it seemed evident she was in serious trouble again. The end of this story for Amy and her family is tragic. For some of the people who’ve read my book and read this blog, this event hits too close to home.

If you have someone in your life that is abusing drugs and/or alcohol, these things can’t be wished away. That person has to want to change, has to put in a lot of hard work and ongoing efforts such as going to meetings like Alcoholics Anonymous.

For family members, support, information and help is available through Al-Anon, based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encourage you to learn about these groups and other options and gather the courage to attend.

A Parent’s Declaration of Independence by Theresa Froehlich

Today’s guest blogger is Theresa Froehlich. She is a writer, speaker, Certified Life Coach, and ordained minister. She has been married 28 years and is the mother of two young adult children.

For parents in pain – whether it is the result of a child’s addiction, failure in school, estranged relationship, or failure to move forward with life – the most difficult challenge is managing emotions.

After my husband and I discovered that our daughter, eighteen-years old and a college freshman at the time, became an alcoholic, my range of emotions were all over the map: fear, depression, anxiety, anger, guilt, shame and despair. A year later, our son went off to college, crashed and burned because of his computer and online video gaming addiction. My emotional workout then ramped up to the post-doctoral level!

During the last few years, I have reflected a great deal on how parents in pain can manage their emotions, regain sanity, and get on with life. This strategy (more fully described in my book now being considered for publication) is based on our declaration of independence, the relentless detachment from the problem child.

1. I acknowledge that my child’s destiny is no longer bound up with mine.
2. I admit I am powerless to change my child.
3. I respect my child as the sole captain of her ship.
4. I choose to steer my own ship, and mine alone.
5. I refuse to let my child’s poor choices determine how I feel.
6. I refuse to view my child’s achievements as my source of joy; instead I give my child the credit that is due to him.
7. I respect real life as a competent teacher for my child, and therefore I can resign from being the teacher/leader.
8. I admit I have a journey of personal transformation to make, but I will not accept responsibility for my child’s poor choices.
9. I admit that I am also a learner, just as much as my child has been. Therefore, I deal with my own shortcomings and learn to forgive myself of my mistakes.
10. I rest in the confidence that God can do a much better job at changing people than I can, but I also accept God’s timeline as different from mine. Therefore, I suspend judgment, relinquish fear, and patiently wait for God’s timing.

What situation do you work with? What are the challenges you face in managing emotions? What strategies have you used?

I blog about these topics at http://www.transitionslifecoaching.org and would like to invite you to visit me there. Please join in the conversation so we can connect and support one another.